But none of my words could be heard through the large crowd of jabbering kids
Covering me…. and breaking my perfect opportunity
To say ”Thank you” to my one and only friend
My friend who believed in me throughout the light and helped me throughout the dark
Oh, she would’ve cried her soul out if she heard and praised me for my courage and bravery
But she couldn’t because I was unheard, and unseen like a mouse in a large city
Reality sunk in because this is who I am, and I can’t change that
If I didn’t say hello, hi. I know I sound ridiculous talking to a blank piece of paper but this is my one and only voice.
My name is Mila Stauffer. I have selective mutism. And no, I am not shy.
Selective mutism in short words is a complex childhood anxiety disorder characterized by a child’s inability to speak in select social settings
I am not shy.
I speak to my relatives perfectly with every word sprinting out of my body joyfully
But I’m not the same outside of the house
I’m trapped as a prisoner in my own vocal cords with no regrets of pleases to say
I have no way of getting out or venturing out
I have spoken to 15 people in my life, which is including you, my good old friend
My competitive dance team, which only has 8 girls including me, give me opportunities to flourish in the real world and let me finish my sentence even if it takes 20 minutes
School is completely different
The sorrow in my soul during school is unimaginable and my heart is pounding no matter what
I have one friend at school whom I’ve known since 2nd grade
I just started high school and I dread entering the hallway each morning
No one understands me, and no one listens since I obviously have nothing to say
I always feel separated, isolated, and lonely from all the other kids
I practice my words to say every day with my closet mirror since it doesn’t have feelings to express like me
But every time I try to escape prison, jail security always gets me and puts me back in my jail cell, for a longer amount of time
I can’t feel sorry for myself, nor for the people I tried to speak to
Why am I different in a bad way
Why am I not getting whatever I want whenever I want
This question lays in my system for days and weeks on end
Destiny for courage is not preordained
Life is about making choices
Our lives are the sum of all the choices we make,
The bridges we cross,
and the ones we burn.
This is my ongoing cycle for years that stop hopefully in the future
Life is torture for me unlike other people’s torture
I truly feel that I’m just a pair of eyes and ears
Without a mouth and without a soul
This is my story…. And I have to make peace with it
Once upon a time there was a girl with selective mutism
Who wrote a never ending story in a book called life
